Loosing Grandpa- First time sharing

I just stepped out of the shower and dried off, from an exhausting day. Yesterday I performed two compressor changeouts and today another. My co-worker reminded what I have said in the past, which I hold as true, things happen in three's. Today at lunch I thought of Grandpa and Dad, i even became at ease with my grieving, knowing that Grandpa will never leave and he will always be near when i utter "Grand-pa'", I will always remember and know his voice, suggesting, what I should do. I know he'll be around all the rest of my life until I meet up with him again. At that time he will know I have become as he, a better Father, Son, Brother, and a true Friend: maybe a Husband again. He is slowly drawing up from dehydration and bed ridden, it is hard to see him literally vanish away, he does have good moments and all the family are trying be there and it does become crowded. Anyway I reassured Grandpa that, "I know what to do now and that I've got 40 years to get it right and that, also i will still continue to talk and ask him questions, even when he finally passes ( we are not stranger of truth) and he will just have to listen to me for now on, because I know he will be forever in my heart.
I stayed a while as he reached out to hold my hand and squeezed. I knelt down on to one knee and asked God to set this moment. There could be more things I guess and that would be fine if he wished fot me and he then said, "Take care of your Dad." After which I left him to sleep and I went ouitside, oh I did say to Grandpa "we really gave it hell working together, didn't we?", then he smiled. Then I told him that I got forty more years to get it right and he said "I know you'll would"
Dad wants me to be a
Friday, Sept. 2, 2011
Last night i went to sleep early. Slept well with dreams of another woman in my life, also had a dream about a factory (chicken) that was churning character of people and providing a job. Some of the conversations were detailed and I was able to follow along and know were i was and had a conscience of my role.
I did not call anyone last night and I don't regret it, I left the gate open for Cabo last night and he was in the yard this morning. Still reading a few pages out of some books I've started. "The Secret of The Ages" and "Men Like Gods".
Thoughts of Grandpa and the family, I believe that the right order of things are being done. It is not hard to watch my Grandfather die slowly, it is a realization which subconsciously I am processing.

Wednesday- 6:16 a.m.

I finished my taxes for 2010 and ended up owing 600+ dollars. The first time ever having to owe anything to our Uncle Sam, and I only made 23,000 take home. Well I made arrangements with IRS to make minimal payments @ 25 per month based on my limited income. I called my AA sponsor yesterday, first to talk about my tax issues, but then I shared with him my week off with Oklahoma and drinking (again). Going to a meeting tonight, I don't know what for, I guess to be somewhere. At work there are some die hard hold-outs that refuse to acknowledge who I am. I really don't want their attention nor respect, it just becomes unreal that some people can hold hate all their life. Knowing my own struggle with that fact, I guess being locked-up for that little bit took me into another perspective of being. I learned not to trust nobody and deliberately had nothing for those I did not care for: snobish. I can't break character now, my conscience tells me, my children all have love and respect for me.

Tuesday- 3a.m.

Well another way for me to experience relationships has been thwarted by what would seem to be my own selfishness. Living In-Kind has limited and allowed me to grown from my inner self. I have managed to allow someone to embrace my presence and with-in the relationship have grown to mend a very bad relationship with the Grandparents of my two youngest children. I was well on my way to facing sobriety when I opted to end my loneliness and entered a, i already knew, bad relationship. It was already tainted with my choosing to drink the adult beverage with her even after explaining my struggles. She herself was well on her way back home after she was choosing to quit her job over ethnic issues and I could understand. So what!
Wanting to move on and not look back is what I need to do for myself and all the kids. Living In-Kind one day at a time. Yesterday I was in a daze. I had choose to enjoy myself, Sunday, and woke up to a hang-over, not looking back to embrace regret, I just want to release my thoughts and continue this BLOG. Realizing that I am not a bad person and I enjoy my time with the kids.

Monday- Sober Reality

Have really let go of holding on to my pride. I've been voluteering for all work details at work hoping that staying busy will ease my mind. Felt funky today after work-feelings of loneliness. Work was good, just staying busy not really socializing, and the day went by fast. I did not have time to think but I did get uneasy about not asking for help from others; pride.
Being grateful for having a job and an ability to find other work to suppliment my income keeps me going. Thought of a drink today and I quickly dropped the idea for fear of loosing everything and even myself. Sarcasm has to be left behind me and sincere servitude must invade my being if I am to feed off of others in-kind.
Thoughts of regret and anger toward loss of self (today). Trying not to relive and change the past, moving forward.

Friday- What a F******! Day

Believing that most days can be great ones, this one almost drove me through the ground. Having had some luck dealing with life on it's terms , in the past, has almost destroyed my being. At time I did loose all sense of reality with drinking and drugging as must as I could possibly take. I've been battling the world the best I could. With the limited knowledge as I have chosen to absorb, life even with the best of the greatest of, self preserving interest, somehow as always shitted back. Yes, my always selfish was has always chosen me, no matter. Enough of my ramblings and I believe all my chosen words to express my self with the act of saving thoughts as they occur and blah, blah, blah. I hat a shitty day. I was able to experience extreme fear of loosing a child......
I received a call that my youngest of daughters was hit by a car, today. Eight years old and I was in extreme pain from all emotions. Making it to the scene, in-kind, was a valued respect of all other beings of the world surrounding me. Tunnel vision as I made it there I was fucking mad at the total family whom I already felt was responsible. Only to truly find Samantha just fine.( forgetting to focus on the one child that was hurt and failing to place all my differences for the sake of this BLOG). My total lack of self control frightened everyone especially my children. A total messed up scene and I demanded my two children whom had been under the care of the whole of my exes family, which was vehemently denied. I did not drink and made it back to work relieved. But I can't stop remembering their fear of not seeing my eyes and them missing not coming with along with me. Earlier I kept re-remembering and could not get the images nor my rage out of my emotions.

Thursday- The First Step

Last night I still could not sleep still believing in my feared fate. Fortunately falling asleep at around 4:30 a.m., my neighbor called. His concern was for my third youngest son's bike being seed laying on the side of the rode. I went out side and noticed my son's bike and mine were both gone and a girls bike was left behind. I had to get up and without this situation my emotions had shifted to get up. Again I was not sure about my own ability to show up for work before this change in intense concern for returning the bike. Managing to take a shower I was still not hungry and had no confident walk and I found the bike then walked it home in the morning fog. I layed it on the side of the house then realized that the girls bike was stolen assuming it was a boys bike because thru the fog and darkness it was lavender and white with pixies. Finally it occured to me that the thief had probabley stolen the wrong type bycle and knew where a boys bike was and unknowing tried to ride the bike, which was flat, as far as he could, but walked back nervously instead stole my blue beach cruizer. I did report the bike into the department which my enough eagerness to go to work in-kind with my co-workers.
Throughout the day I body and mind struggled to keep humbleness.

Saturday- A another wake with Dad.

Well, I need to continue what I started because my world since Saturday went to being on top of things to almost breaking down. I decided to drink again and woe to me. I really allowed myself to spiral out of control but with an arrogance that seems beyond and greater than me. I know what to do and I am doing it. Feeling like shit emotionally and I have fear inside me. I must keep living in-kind and allow myself to be loved and go to work. Writing my emotions out sort of helps my uneasy self, as though I am too afraid to do anything. Drinking has, for me, been an evil that creates a bold arrogance feeling, at times. I can almost do anything or so I think. I have been exposed to an undefined reality through my life feeling that I know everything. Trusting in my fears and blurting them out with what I know. But, my intent for creating this Blog was to trust life were it takes me and dealing with people nicely. I have not drank since yesterday and I have kept drinking this water thru the tap and eating forcefully bannanas and canned beans. I washed and put away my clothes and the bed sheets, I guess my first step, then I am showing up for work tomarrow, second step, then after a day of work, CLEAN MY HOUSE! So I can get back in the game, I ain't f***g perfect and I know it and feel it these last few days, but I still love everybody, I've been thru worst sh** before and lived thru and turned my life around and I can do it again, It sucks being human, but for real I'am getting it together.

Friday- Not knowing what to do.

Last night I felt very unnerved about something and I could not understand why. Feeling this way I wanted # 5 sibling to hangout. I called the mother and she was not available and I felt really uneasy. After feeling this way I tried calling the Grandparents and somehow the phone was picked up and I heard the grandmother talking and directing someone not to pick up the phone. F*****! I called the sheriff's office and holy sh**! Not surprising but just, "dammit!" Well now, "what to do?" Already my relationship with the Grandparents is f***ed and they do not trust me and even though I understand I do not wish to admit why. My own selfishness blows everything out of proportion and one-sided. I wanted to attack and pounce on the element of her compromised situation. (jailed).
Monday- Things are working out for everyone and I really do not want to mess with anything.

Wednesday- Meeting with Mr. O

Received phone call yesterday from my trusted sound board, Mr. O. Asking how I've been and asking for reasons why I've not been to his meetings (meetings in general, not to suggest ownership). Actually he is my counselor, helping me deal with situational crisis and emotional turmoil without trusting is the sauce (drink). I'll meet up with him this evening and go over some of my reasoned  and surmised understandings.
Well, the meeting went well and we discussed many concerns about my sobriety and meeting attendance.  I was able to finally vent what seemed to me a mountain but turned out to be nothing.      

Superbowl Sunday-Monday

Well I finally made a date last night for this afternoon's game. My approach was not set up, but instead it was by being where I needed to be at any given moment- a cog in the wheel of time and destiny.
This Monday morning I woke up rested. But, again I went into a situational and imaginary setting of a typical work environment. I was even having deliberate conversations and playing out the dialog with co-workers. Well to turn this all around I decided to pray, thanking God for all the blessing I receive, all of them, especially when they seem deliberate or coincidence.  Letting go of myself and just being. How can I, or how must I be of servitude in Kindness. What great and powerful anything can help resolve the pot holes in the rode. AH! HA! Drive around them I will, because if I drive through them I will break something? I am forty and I feel like I am 15, emotionally.
The end of the work day.

Saturday

Being human and attempting kindness can become a challenge to oneself. Thursday night was one of those challenging moments, one of which I was compelled to defend myself, not physically, but more of a verbal barrage. Anger, justifiably or not, the latter I am too aquainted, has been my element of being for the majority of my life. Not getting what I want, challenging my foes, always wanting control and not giving up until I achieve my goal no matter the cost- doing what "I" want.
Pointing out my recognized flaws and attempting to find "the way" or "right path" has been my goal here recently. I never was a fighter or bully, but I can do nothing and still do much. This morning, besides thinking about the other night, I've been blessed with a complete couch with built in beds and recliners. My boys, No. 2 and No. 5, have been helping me rearrange the living room and help set up the entertainment center. Last night No. 1, No.2, and No. 5 all went to see "Sanctum". Amazing story about human nature and survival, all the elements enjoyable for family viewing. I could identify parallels and adventures related to my daily survival, but I still need to find my inner human with humbleness and servitude. Living In-Kind.
Throughout this morning I have attempted to quantify and analyze an apparent, "No Win", situation from Thursday. Feeling too much and regret. What is done is done and anymore I try to justify or correct my might on being right just f****s things up even more.
I have to somehow let this s***T go without getting drunk or using drugs and as far as my pride is concerned I have leaped  right into resentment (the act of re-feeling).

"Honestly, No Spanking on Sundays"

This was post earlier today I was inspired to share with my immediate world (family and friends). Not bashful at all about the idea. Being on call today was eventful as always, the plumbing call was of a toilet overflowing-nothing out of the ordinary. When I arrived and the door there was a litle boy about 10yrs and his father enjoying his Sunday on the couch. The mother soon arrived with the youngest  a little girl about 2yrs. from church.
Long and the short of it The young boy flushed a dixie cup. During the whole time he was also curios about the progress sort of eager. Well after I found the cup on the end of the plumbers "snake", I chucked inside because this wasn't my child. Also I was inspired with a parents intuition, black-mail, I openly and honestly asked him, in front of his mother, "For five bucks your father doesn't need to know about this." This kid was no dummy and was willing to offer the money. Call a life experience or call it what you want, but I found this moment important in the young man's life. Either way his mother cut in on him about, "if you would have went to church, none of this would have happened...."
That is when the opportunity entered as an inspiration, for your honesty and on this Sunday, there will be no spankings. I also posted something on facebook about this. Living In-Kind.

Saturday

Good morning, I have just returned from an early call-out at 5:30am this day. Water everywhere and it was. My response time was less than 15 min. and resolve water leak. My thoughts run true and wander about this early and that is the reason for this post. Actually, too, I need to write about yesterday, because I have somehow been keeping it bouncing around in repetitive thought.
The day ended up being an overall test of my patience and understanding of my own self and of others. Anger, justifiably, came to me suddenly and unexpected. There had been some tension between my self and this co-worker for some time and I have stood up to him already on occasion, always about him staying out of my way and leaving me alone. Knowing his nature is one of being "hater" and his incessant gossip and mild threats (I never took him serious, but not to would also leave me vulnerable to a perceived weakness, or lack of fortitude.) So anyway this Friday morning I overheard another loud declaration of "I should have ran him over last night when I saw him." He actually did not express this statement to anyone, he was trying, as always attempting to shock people for attention. His comments are never responsible and I should have never took him seriously, typically we all just ignore. But yesterday I responded with what I was interpreting as a threat toward my personal well-being and safety, because he statements have always been the day after I have seen him while I was riding my bike and him driving. I said somethings that explained my position.
Somehow there are other characters in all this especially one that has somehow relyed all his life on his boyish nature, which by now he has outgrown, and he obviously hijacked somebody else's character and assumed it as his own.
Well, I was able to place my self aside and recognize that I cannot get in the way of God's will and that I must offer myself as a friend and I did. In-Kind.

Thursday

Busy day and I started with a runny nose this morning and all day too. Any acts of kindness were with my actions and not so much with my words today. Too tired to focus on any one minute of my time other than I helped a coworker with $10 gas and lunch for a ride to my moonlighting job. Generous as it may be, because I wish I could give him more, but to do so would have rendered the intention and vibe off-kilter. I had some time with Grandpa today going to pick-up a new couch and recliner in a small town down the road.
Picked up #5 child today and we rode our bikes to dinner- Mexican Food. Finished homework and now I am doing my home work. Earlier I did play with taking up a drink again in my mind and I quickly replayed my last binge and shrugged it away.
Working toward my new Goal of buying a truck from my step-father. Thinking he only wanted $1500 the price has gone up since I asked about it today to $2000. The credit that I have sucks and I don't make much to pay off outright. All in good faith and doing the next right thing, "Living In-Kind".

Wednesday

Just up from a poor nights sleep. Actually I was moved with anxiousness and excitement, wanting more information from the World Wide Web. Searching countless pages on how to be a better human- HA!. Nooo, I was actually shopping on ebay :).
Half dosed, oops, I mean dozed this morning, I managed to listen a bit to some chatter on the radio about Obamma's State of the Union speech, about "Working Together". Catchy suggestion I only wish with my uncanny ability of hindsight, wish the idea took off a little bit sooner in our young American history, preferably around 1776 and to include all the inhabitants here-in. Two Hundred or so years later and we are just now negotiating this profound idea of "Working Together"- to include all inhabitants there-in.
Well it is getting a bit late for me, Today was good overall. Stayed busy all day and did not try to create S***! for anybody. Nothing much else to say other than I wish I could get off of ebay for one day.

Tuesday

While in the shower i was thinking on ideas that would help my relationship with some of my immediate subjects(persons whom I must mend relations[working]). Many are good ones, if I could only come up with my own original method(s) of solution. Honest and sincere is the path I wish to take, not brutal or bull-sh**, just what I wish to express inside as virtuous.
I believe that we are all capable of kindness, me too, and we all seem to want to give it but for me I am wrapped up insecurity and fear, I know.
Well, I am back in my room at 10:42P.M. and tiredly typing away. I've made two attempts today with two different co-workers; actually all of them. I believe that I must give my self goals for doing so.

Monday

It is about 11:30 P.M. and am winding down from a long day. There is just too much to type out tonight, but I have managed to learn about living today in-kind.
Worked well with others today except that I was guilty for talking bad about someone else at work without their immediate knowledge. Tomorrow I will greet some people at work with whom I have no desire. I must overcome my shortcomings and pride must be placed aside to let good will prevail.
I helped #5 child plant a "School Cabbage" for a potential $1000 prize, all for him. Fed the animals and helped my neighbor lay some peel-n-stick tile and then made breakfast for dinner.
My key lesson today was to never fix with a watch that is not broke, especially so when I am not a horologist (look this up it is a word associated with time). I'll stick with collecting them and when I acquire the right tools and patience, then  I may fix a watch that does not need fixing. I guess too this somewhat simple analogy(?) could be applied to person to person interaction as well? Thinking to much about the thoughts, motives, and actions; then trying to tinker or worry about them could be similar to a watch of 21 jewels. Who knows! Good Night!

How to become living?

What a questionable statement! Well, I have already hesitated with my thoughts and words. Now, my grammar too (flash back to elementary school). Slept well last night and had some interesting dreams, all situational and in large cities. Woke up #5 (10 year old son) the 5th of my clan and fed my dog and feral cat. Been sober since 10/23/10 and have been adjusting to living well, this time. "This Time", seems to be a recurring theme in my struggle for inner peace and acceptance (own self). Meetings, books, and meditation have been my new vent.
Work went well today. My son #5 came to my house instead of his mother's place, he is out playing with the neighborhood kids. I feel blank headed and aquured

Introduction to "Living In-Kind" BLOG.

Living:

having life; being alive; not dead: living persons.

In-Kind:

paid or given in goods, commodities, or services instead of money: in-kind welfare programs.

paying or returning something of the same kind as that received or offered.

 I would like to express also that "in-kind" be related to Human attributes of kindness which involve unselfish acts or utterance. This blog may at times include all aspects of human living and most-times personal experiences toward being(working at it) a better human. All names will and/or places be changed for obvious reason of law and general overall respect for our fellow human acquaintance(s).