September 2, 2012

I've been away from posting and have been too busy living. Work as usual and getting stuck inside my head. Too lazy to post. I wish that my intended thoughts could somehow type it self out. I was using Facebook to blurt out some emotional ideas and screen shots of Pandora's playlist-as I listen to music-which seem to reflect my temperment and conscience. Been reading some books lately and have stayed sober too. Practicing my kindness and seeking understanding (patience). Work is work. Some of the people (co-workers) are not in tuned with me.
Continuing with this I hope I can develop a discipline for writing. Found some more readings that are helpful and compliment my search for Devine being.

Friday- Showing up and tring sobriety again

Just swept my kitchen floors and threw away the last of the drinking bottles I've hidden under my kitchen sink. Picked up son# 3 for the weekend and slowly detoxing. Some more weird shit has been happening around in my life, all experienced my my alter ego, "Mr. Hide". Another sober attempt, this time I can only pray for true being.

Grandpa is Gone

Just received a call from Dad. Grandpa just past. Things lately have been surreal. Red sun during the day and moon at night. All of what is the central heart of Texas is burning. I could not get a wink of sleep. Been tiring to think of things to help me fall asleep, then I get the call from Dad. I am going over, Dad is going to pick me up. I laid back down and could imagine Grandpa's voice saying, "Well, what you gonna do know? I can't help you. Take care of your Dad and those kids."
Amazing I am not full of hurt and tears and I don't know if I should. My thought dreams were of me changing or finding a way to move on. The setting was awkward in my dream but I felt that I was moving on to something different.
Waiting on Dad now, I received the first call at 2:40a.m. and I started this blog at 3:00a.m.
Well, so far I was able to hold Grandpa's hand and kiss him goodbye while he was still laying down. He was cold but not yet stiff. I've had my moments and watched other family members have theirs. When Dad lets go it hurts me so I walk away. Spent the dawn morning outside remembering times and looking at all he has done. I'll miss Grandpa but he will will never be far away, but close-by in my heart and in my memories, hearing his voice and just watching him as I remember him, always doing something.