Monday- Sober Reality

Have really let go of holding on to my pride. I've been voluteering for all work details at work hoping that staying busy will ease my mind. Felt funky today after work-feelings of loneliness. Work was good, just staying busy not really socializing, and the day went by fast. I did not have time to think but I did get uneasy about not asking for help from others; pride.
Being grateful for having a job and an ability to find other work to suppliment my income keeps me going. Thought of a drink today and I quickly dropped the idea for fear of loosing everything and even myself. Sarcasm has to be left behind me and sincere servitude must invade my being if I am to feed off of others in-kind.
Thoughts of regret and anger toward loss of self (today). Trying not to relive and change the past, moving forward.

Friday- What a F******! Day

Believing that most days can be great ones, this one almost drove me through the ground. Having had some luck dealing with life on it's terms , in the past, has almost destroyed my being. At time I did loose all sense of reality with drinking and drugging as must as I could possibly take. I've been battling the world the best I could. With the limited knowledge as I have chosen to absorb, life even with the best of the greatest of, self preserving interest, somehow as always shitted back. Yes, my always selfish was has always chosen me, no matter. Enough of my ramblings and I believe all my chosen words to express my self with the act of saving thoughts as they occur and blah, blah, blah. I hat a shitty day. I was able to experience extreme fear of loosing a child......
I received a call that my youngest of daughters was hit by a car, today. Eight years old and I was in extreme pain from all emotions. Making it to the scene, in-kind, was a valued respect of all other beings of the world surrounding me. Tunnel vision as I made it there I was fucking mad at the total family whom I already felt was responsible. Only to truly find Samantha just fine.( forgetting to focus on the one child that was hurt and failing to place all my differences for the sake of this BLOG). My total lack of self control frightened everyone especially my children. A total messed up scene and I demanded my two children whom had been under the care of the whole of my exes family, which was vehemently denied. I did not drink and made it back to work relieved. But I can't stop remembering their fear of not seeing my eyes and them missing not coming with along with me. Earlier I kept re-remembering and could not get the images nor my rage out of my emotions.

Thursday- The First Step

Last night I still could not sleep still believing in my feared fate. Fortunately falling asleep at around 4:30 a.m., my neighbor called. His concern was for my third youngest son's bike being seed laying on the side of the rode. I went out side and noticed my son's bike and mine were both gone and a girls bike was left behind. I had to get up and without this situation my emotions had shifted to get up. Again I was not sure about my own ability to show up for work before this change in intense concern for returning the bike. Managing to take a shower I was still not hungry and had no confident walk and I found the bike then walked it home in the morning fog. I layed it on the side of the house then realized that the girls bike was stolen assuming it was a boys bike because thru the fog and darkness it was lavender and white with pixies. Finally it occured to me that the thief had probabley stolen the wrong type bycle and knew where a boys bike was and unknowing tried to ride the bike, which was flat, as far as he could, but walked back nervously instead stole my blue beach cruizer. I did report the bike into the department which my enough eagerness to go to work in-kind with my co-workers.
Throughout the day I body and mind struggled to keep humbleness.

Saturday- A another wake with Dad.

Well, I need to continue what I started because my world since Saturday went to being on top of things to almost breaking down. I decided to drink again and woe to me. I really allowed myself to spiral out of control but with an arrogance that seems beyond and greater than me. I know what to do and I am doing it. Feeling like shit emotionally and I have fear inside me. I must keep living in-kind and allow myself to be loved and go to work. Writing my emotions out sort of helps my uneasy self, as though I am too afraid to do anything. Drinking has, for me, been an evil that creates a bold arrogance feeling, at times. I can almost do anything or so I think. I have been exposed to an undefined reality through my life feeling that I know everything. Trusting in my fears and blurting them out with what I know. But, my intent for creating this Blog was to trust life were it takes me and dealing with people nicely. I have not drank since yesterday and I have kept drinking this water thru the tap and eating forcefully bannanas and canned beans. I washed and put away my clothes and the bed sheets, I guess my first step, then I am showing up for work tomarrow, second step, then after a day of work, CLEAN MY HOUSE! So I can get back in the game, I ain't f***g perfect and I know it and feel it these last few days, but I still love everybody, I've been thru worst sh** before and lived thru and turned my life around and I can do it again, It sucks being human, but for real I'am getting it together.