Friday- Not knowing what to do.

Last night I felt very unnerved about something and I could not understand why. Feeling this way I wanted # 5 sibling to hangout. I called the mother and she was not available and I felt really uneasy. After feeling this way I tried calling the Grandparents and somehow the phone was picked up and I heard the grandmother talking and directing someone not to pick up the phone. F*****! I called the sheriff's office and holy sh**! Not surprising but just, "dammit!" Well now, "what to do?" Already my relationship with the Grandparents is f***ed and they do not trust me and even though I understand I do not wish to admit why. My own selfishness blows everything out of proportion and one-sided. I wanted to attack and pounce on the element of her compromised situation. (jailed).
Monday- Things are working out for everyone and I really do not want to mess with anything.

Wednesday- Meeting with Mr. O

Received phone call yesterday from my trusted sound board, Mr. O. Asking how I've been and asking for reasons why I've not been to his meetings (meetings in general, not to suggest ownership). Actually he is my counselor, helping me deal with situational crisis and emotional turmoil without trusting is the sauce (drink). I'll meet up with him this evening and go over some of my reasoned  and surmised understandings.
Well, the meeting went well and we discussed many concerns about my sobriety and meeting attendance.  I was able to finally vent what seemed to me a mountain but turned out to be nothing.      

Superbowl Sunday-Monday

Well I finally made a date last night for this afternoon's game. My approach was not set up, but instead it was by being where I needed to be at any given moment- a cog in the wheel of time and destiny.
This Monday morning I woke up rested. But, again I went into a situational and imaginary setting of a typical work environment. I was even having deliberate conversations and playing out the dialog with co-workers. Well to turn this all around I decided to pray, thanking God for all the blessing I receive, all of them, especially when they seem deliberate or coincidence.  Letting go of myself and just being. How can I, or how must I be of servitude in Kindness. What great and powerful anything can help resolve the pot holes in the rode. AH! HA! Drive around them I will, because if I drive through them I will break something? I am forty and I feel like I am 15, emotionally.
The end of the work day.

Saturday

Being human and attempting kindness can become a challenge to oneself. Thursday night was one of those challenging moments, one of which I was compelled to defend myself, not physically, but more of a verbal barrage. Anger, justifiably or not, the latter I am too aquainted, has been my element of being for the majority of my life. Not getting what I want, challenging my foes, always wanting control and not giving up until I achieve my goal no matter the cost- doing what "I" want.
Pointing out my recognized flaws and attempting to find "the way" or "right path" has been my goal here recently. I never was a fighter or bully, but I can do nothing and still do much. This morning, besides thinking about the other night, I've been blessed with a complete couch with built in beds and recliners. My boys, No. 2 and No. 5, have been helping me rearrange the living room and help set up the entertainment center. Last night No. 1, No.2, and No. 5 all went to see "Sanctum". Amazing story about human nature and survival, all the elements enjoyable for family viewing. I could identify parallels and adventures related to my daily survival, but I still need to find my inner human with humbleness and servitude. Living In-Kind.
Throughout this morning I have attempted to quantify and analyze an apparent, "No Win", situation from Thursday. Feeling too much and regret. What is done is done and anymore I try to justify or correct my might on being right just f****s things up even more.
I have to somehow let this s***T go without getting drunk or using drugs and as far as my pride is concerned I have leaped  right into resentment (the act of re-feeling).

"Honestly, No Spanking on Sundays"

This was post earlier today I was inspired to share with my immediate world (family and friends). Not bashful at all about the idea. Being on call today was eventful as always, the plumbing call was of a toilet overflowing-nothing out of the ordinary. When I arrived and the door there was a litle boy about 10yrs and his father enjoying his Sunday on the couch. The mother soon arrived with the youngest  a little girl about 2yrs. from church.
Long and the short of it The young boy flushed a dixie cup. During the whole time he was also curios about the progress sort of eager. Well after I found the cup on the end of the plumbers "snake", I chucked inside because this wasn't my child. Also I was inspired with a parents intuition, black-mail, I openly and honestly asked him, in front of his mother, "For five bucks your father doesn't need to know about this." This kid was no dummy and was willing to offer the money. Call a life experience or call it what you want, but I found this moment important in the young man's life. Either way his mother cut in on him about, "if you would have went to church, none of this would have happened...."
That is when the opportunity entered as an inspiration, for your honesty and on this Sunday, there will be no spankings. I also posted something on facebook about this. Living In-Kind.